


Typecasting

by jukeboxhound



Series: Eir's Tomorrow [3]
Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-07
Updated: 2010-04-07
Packaged: 2018-02-10 05:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2012772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jukeboxhound/pseuds/jukeboxhound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bonding over terrible movies.</p><p> </p><p>  <span class="small">(The sci-fi movie incident mentioned in <i>Eir's Tomorrow</i>.)</span></p>
            </blockquote>





	Typecasting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [croixsouillees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/croixsouillees/gifts).



> The SyFy channel played _Thor: Hammer of the Gods_ , a movie so terrible that artimusdin was like 'omg Eir's!Cloud would be horrified at this' and I was like 'jfc he totally would be,' and she and chofi contributed some of their own commentary.
> 
> Written for croixsouillees because my promise of drabbles for her actually made me take notes during the movie. Set between chapters 10 and 11 of _Eir's Tomorrow_ , referenced by Zack a few times in later chapters as 'the sci-fi movie' incident.
> 
> Originally published on 7 April 2010.

 

...

"Zack, what are we doing?"

"Relaxing. Taking time off. You and Sephiroth are both so tightly wound it's a wonder your heads haven't exploded yet. High blood pressure kills, y'know."

"Watching bad movies is supposed to make us relax?"

Zack put his hands on his hips and glared at Cloud. "Watching bad movies with friends is a time-honored tradition meant to bind us together with the ties of canned laughter, clichéd plots, and horrible acting. Are you going to deny me my horrible acting?"

"Of course not, I just don't see why the rest of us have to be subjected to it."

"Told you. High blood pressure, bad for you. Shitty movies and bonding are great for that. Now _sit."_ Cloud made an 'oof' sound as he was pushed down forcefully onto the sofa.

"I don't see why I need to to be here," said Sephiroth, and Zack replied, "The Heidegger incident," and Sephiroth, with great dignity, sat down beside Cloud without further comment.  Zack's quarters were the same utilitarian design as the other SOLDIERs', but there were personal touches that made it feel like more than just military barracks, like the velvet poster that glowed under blacklight hanging above the television.

"Zack," Cloud said warily, "what movie are we watching?"

" _Thor: Hammer of the Gods!"_ he declared, brandishing the disc. "Fearsome warriors must battle the forces of darkness trying to destroy their clan! And by forces of darkness, I mean werewolves."

Sephiroth put a hand over his eyes.  Cloud let out a pitiful moan.  Humming slightly, Zack popped the disc into the player, grabbed the remote, and then wedged himself on Cloud's other side so that Cloud was in the middle.

"Hey, I figured it'd be right up your alley, kiddo. It's got those gods you said your family was all about."

Cloud was torn between explaining that those were just _stories_ and being offended. But Zack was all smiles as he wiggled beside Cloud to get comfortable on the small sofa, and instead of sneering and walking out of the room Sephiroth remained calm and warm on Cloud's other side, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

Then he saw the opening credits.

"If a man were to stand on a mountain like that, the wind would throw him off and smash him against the rocks." Growing up in the Nibel mountains, he would _know_.

_"Shh,"_ Zack hushed him, "it's a movie, it's not going to be perfect. Some suspension of disbelief is necessary for entertainment."

"But that's just asking for it," Cloud protested. "Winds like that would take down a freakin' _oak."_

"Sephiroth, sir, your subordinate is being insubordinate," Zack said loudly over Cloud's head.

"Technically," said Sephiroth mildly, "he is a Regular and therefore someone else's problem. _You_ , on the other hand, are a direct subordinate to _me_. In light of this, Lieutenant, would you like to amend your statement?"

Zack crossed his arms and pouted. Cloud had the urge to point and laugh, but then Sephiroth might find a way to bypass the technical chain of command and make Cloud feel guilty for being so immature, so he squashed it.

It was clear by the first few lines of dialogue that the writer had been laboring under the assumption that the ancient warriors that were Cloud's ancestors had spoken like particularly bad role-players.

"NO NORTHMAN HAS EVER SAILED THESE WATERS," Zack howled, throwing his arms in the air menacingly and narrowly missing Sephiroth's head with a flailing hand.

"'We will claim it for our own'," Cloud deadpanned.

"Hey Cloud, does your family talk like this for real?"

"Fuck you, Zack."

…

"We don't reference our gods _all the damn time_ ," Cloud muttered sulkily. "And technically, Mjolnir is a _one-handed_ hammer, not two."

"What? Why?"

"Loki messed it up when it was being forged."

"Huh. That sucks. No wonder you northerners feel like you have something to prove."

"Lieutenant, what did I tell you about phallic jokes?"

"Er. Not at public functions?"

…

"Thor's an idiot."

"Yeah, my mum didn't make many offerings to him."

"…Right then."

…

"You know it's bad when a movie's music literally goes DUN DUN _DUN_ ," Zack snickered.

Cloud thought about that for a moment. Then he leaned over to Sephiroth. "We need to get a music player for the next time Zack gets one of his ideas."

Sephiroth nodded thoughtfully. "I'll speak with Reeve."

"You guys are assholes."

…

"Do you need the whole fucking tribe walking around in a group to figure out that the trail of blood belongs to the corpse lying ten feet away? It's like how girls have to hold each other's hands to go to the bathroom."

"To be fair, waiting in line by yourself for the bathroom can get boring."

"So what's these guys' excuse?"

"Maybe they're just practicing for the murder-mystery party on their next vacation."

…

"Hey, Cloud, did your family ever make lots of bloodthirsty speeches or only on the full moon?"

"Hey, Zack, is your family inbred or were you just born that way?"

Sephiroth choked.

…

"Ulfric's an idiot."

"If it makes you feel better," said Sephiroth, "the man's discontent will result in a dramatic argument with his tribe, which will then push him into the hold of the enemy and turn him into a traitor. And like most such traitors, he will die a horrible death, with none of the glory he sought."

Zack eyed him. "You _sure_ you haven't seen this movie?"

…

"YOU DON'T WIELD SWORDS LIKE THAT," Zack snarled.

"For being a warrior, she's rather skinny," Sephiroth observed.

"She's blonde and pretty, the guys won't give a shit," Cloud muttered darkly.

"THEY'RE HOLDING THEIR OWN WEAPONS WRONG."

"You all right, Zack?"

"I'M FINE."

…

"Hey Cloud, how come you don't invoke Odin like she does?"

"Because it's like using a chainsaw to snap a toothpick."

"And a death goddess is much better?"

"I already know I'm going to die. I'd rather it wasn't because I pissed off the wrong person."

"Fair point."

…

"See that dramatic pose right before they duel? Real people don't do that. Do real people do that, Sephiroth?"

"Genesis."

"Okay, do _normal_ people do that?"

Cloud choked.

…

"Baldur's an idiot."

"He's associated with light and goodness and whatnot."

Zack nodded sagely. "That explains a lot."

…

"THOSE SWORDS AREN'T REAL."

Cloud looked at Zack strangely. "Well, no, would you give real weapons to actors who don't know what they're doing?"

"At this point, it might've been a fucking mercy," he grumbled.

…

"Oh, _that's_ subtle. Traitor guy coming up behind the group and saying 'I could've stabbed you in the back just now.' I mean, _really?_ And aren't these guys warriors? Where's their warrior-sense? Why isn't it tingling?"

"I think it broke under the weight of their awkward dialogue and bad acting."

"Or the armor they couldn't afford."

When Cloud and Zack both looked at him, Sephiroth explained, "Metal armor was difficult to produce in that time period and quite expensive. The average warrior would never have been able to afford it, especially the women. Of course, they might have stolen it, but the likelihood of plundering such complete and expensive armor for _all_ of them is still rather low."

"With all due respect, sir, _nerd alert."_

…

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT."

"What?" Cloud asked quizzically, ducking to avoid Zack's limbs and somehow nearly falling into Sephiroth's lap.

"You see how that skinny blonde lady killed the guy? Pushed the sword _really slowly_ into his heart _with one arm?_   You can't _do_ that. There are ribs and tendons and shit, and her arms are way too skinny."

"You're really stuck on that, aren't you?"

"THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG."

…

Cloud groaned and covered his face.

Zack nearly fell off the sofa laughing. "HIS LUST FOR HIS HAMMER IS INSATIABLE."

Sephiroth sighed. "Phallic jokes, Zack."

"Hey, I didn't say it, the wolf-guy did!"

"Very mature."

"That's _Fenrir_ , and they _butchered_ him," Cloud suddenly hissed, and then he was the one flailing. "He's a giant wolf that terrified the gods, not this – this _pufferfish_ -looking thing. And Hel is  _not_ a werewolf with an entirely inappropriate accent enslaved by Fenrir, and the original Nebel-volk did _not_ talk like this or so help me they would've died out long before they actually did. _Scheisse_."

Zack and Sephiroth watched his chest heave with emotion. After a moment Zack tried, "You all right, Cloud?"

"I'M FINE _._ "

"I think it was meant to be artistic interpretation," Sephiroth ventured, then paused. "It might have worked if the script had been coherent and the characters multi-dimensional, but overall it wasn't as bad as it could've been."

Cloud scowled. "What do you mean, 'not as bad as it could've been'? It was a horrific piece of – "

"Having the entirety of LOVELESS quoted at you for over a decade lends a certain perspective."

Cloud shut his mouth with a sharp click. Zack patted Sephiroth on the shoulder consolingly. "You've got us now, sir." Then he whispered in Cloud's ear, "See? Bonding."

Cloud didn't have to look to be able to solidly thwap Zack upside the head.


End file.
